Hellobee

I last left off in our TTC story staring at an email from a woman who possibly had vials of the same donor that we used to conceive our daughter, Ohana. She also happened to be the mother to a half sister of my daughter. Big stuff. I had been searching for more vials after using up all of the previously purchased vials. Thus far, I was having no luck and we had moved on to other donors. And even now, looking at an email response, I had no idea if this would pan out.

I opened the email and hoped that this woman was not scorning me. I was so relieved that it was quite the opposite: she was open and friendly and genuinely happy to hear from me.

Missus Scooter had come home by this time and I didn’t even make it through the whole email before I thrust the computer in front of her and said, “read this!” I cried as I watched her read, not having any context for what she was reading or who it was from. When she figured it out she just looked at me and said, “no way.”

For confidentiality, let’s call this woman Becky. The gist of Becky’s reply was that she had purchased three vials of Donor #1 sometime in 2010. She conceived on the first try and had two vials left. I’m not going to share the details of her personal story, but she was pretty certain she would not be having another baby. However, she was not fully prepared to make a final decision about something that had always been an option for her. There were a lot of emotions tied up in this and I totally got it. She said she would like to think about it and when I replied to her email, I genuinely asked her to take all the time she needed and that we were just thankful that she was open to the possibility.

Normally, I would not have been so brash with such a big decision. A million things could have occurred to invite drama or complication into our relatively (by design) calm life. I knew absolutely nothing of this woman and now I was opening a channel. I hadn’t even talked to my wife about it! What was I thinking? But from the very outset, I had a good feeling and I trusted it. I really try to balance my heart/gut with my head in major decisions but in this case it really was all instinct.

Absorbing Becky’s reply, Missus Scooter and I were amazed, in shock and giddy. It felt scary, too. Getting our hopes up for something that had long since been put to rest was hard because there was a real possibility that she may decide she did not want to part with the vials. Symbolically they meant a great deal to her. But I was done trying to talk myself into feeling something that I actually wasn’t. We decided to lean into the joy of the present situation. At that very moment, we were feeling optimistic and hopeful, actually believing in blessings. Even if <fill in the blank> terrible things happened in the future, the point was that RIGHT NOW, we were thrilled. We allowed ourselves the pleasure of feeling it no matter what might happen tomorrow.

This was a really powerful shift for us and we shared the story freely with our close friends. We allowed ourselves to dream and smile and say “I can’t believe this!” Meanwhile, Becky had indeed made up her mind to sell Donor #1 to us. The question she was sorting through now was whether to sell one vial or two.

This was happening.

I was so excited I was practically levitating and snapped into action. I started researching how to get the vial(s) from her fertility clinic in the Midwest to our fertility clinic in California. It wasn’t as straightforward as you might think.

Before Becky’s fertility clinic could transfer the vial(s) into my name, they needed legal documentation from Becky with a release of her liability and rights to the vial(s). I drew up documents and sent them to her. Once she reviewed, she needed to notarize and submit the documents to her fertility clinic. Becky told me she had easy access to a notary but had moved about an hour away from her fertility clinic so she would need to mail them. After her fertility clinic received the documents, they would establish me as a ‘patient’ in their system then transfer the vial(s) into my name. Then my fertility clinic needed to fill out a form acknowledging that they were ready, able, and licensed to receive the specimen from Becky’s clinic. Then the vial(s) could be shipped. All of these steps were serial and could not really be worked in parallel, so I had concluded that we would miss my next upcoming ovulation. I was fine with that.

As we worked through these steps, Becky told me she had thought long and hard and she decided to sell us both vials, not just one. Not only did we have a legitimate chance at this, we had two! I felt like we were floating on cloud nine. I also felt an enormous amount of gratitude and affection towards Becky, knowing this was not an easy decision and brought its own sense of finality to her.

Becky and I were corresponding regularly and we exchanged pictures of our daughters. I plan on writing a future post about the experience of learning about Ohana’s half sister and my unexpected reaction.

On Monday of the next week, about 8 days after Becky and I initially emailed each other, I received word from my fertility clinic that they had submitted the form to Becky’s fertility clinic. It happened very quickly; much faster than I planned. I guess the daily “project management” I was doing paid off. I called Becky’s fertility clinic to ask if everything was all set or if I had missed something. The woman I spoke with double-checked and verified that everything was ready to go! By my calculations, I was going to ovulate Thursday or Friday of that week. Should I try and get the vials here in time to inseminate this month or just relax and wait until next month? Of course I had to try.

I told Becky’s fertility clinic to ship out the vials immediately. The woman told me that their clinic’s cryo tank was already out on a delivery but they had a special shipping company they used from time to time. I called them and arranged for the most expedited shipping possible. $500 later (oh yah), two vials arrived at my fertility clinic on Thursday morning. And good thing, because Wednesday my OPK test read positive.

Missus Scooter and I went in on Thursday early afternoon for the insemination. I was nervous and all of my positivity was gone. I hadn’t realized how tightly I was wound. Afterward as we drove home, I cried. I was overwhelmed and hopeful and emotionally drained.

oh please, please let this work

The next morning, I took my temperature and it didn’t shoot up as I expected. I felt dread all over. What if I screwed up the timing again?? The second day after insemination, my temperature rose but not as high as I expected. As each morning came and I took my temperature, I became more and more convinced that this was not an ideal month to inseminate. My chart looked lackluster and was questionable as to whether I actually even ovulated. My “early menopause” fears crept back in and I was pretty pissed at myself. I told Missus Scooter that there was no way I was pregnant and we just needed to move on. I couldn’t wait for my period to come so I could start looking forward to the next cycle.

As I approached 10 days past ovulation (DPO), I began to look for spotting, as had been my pattern. At 13 DPO and no spotting, I told myself that I was probably going to have a long cycle this month or something bizarre like that. Each day Missus Scooter would casually ask whether I was spotting and when I would tell her no, she would slyly smile. I would get so angry with her and tell her to stop it. I told her to stop getting her hopes up. I couldn’t tolerate any amount of hope that I was pregnant because I knew I was not. I was a ton of fun.

At 14 DPO and no spotting, I admit I thought for the first time I could actually be pregnant. It was a Friday and I worked the whole day. I came home and Missus Scooter and Ohana were getting into the shower. I was leaning against the bathroom vanity talking to them, musing about the fact that I still had no spotting, and I blurted, “I’m just going to take a pregnancy test!” Missus Scooter said, “NO! Don’t do it! Let’s just wait and see if you’re late!” But I was already reaching for the test.

I had a handful of dollar-store tests under the sink. They were the kind that you have to use a little dropper to put urine onto the test strip and wait for the lines to develop. I peed into a little cup then put a few drops on the tester. As I watched the urine make its way across the test and the control line formed, I saw where the test line was and it did not change color. I stood up and said, “Well, it’s as we suspected. I’m not pregnant.” Missus Scooter gave me a sympathetic look.

I kept glancing at the test and saw the faintest line starting to form. I leaned over to examine it and Missus Scooter saw me and said, “WHAT??” I told her it was nothing…I didn’t think…I mean…maybe there was a faint line…but I really didn’t think so…but maybe it was getting darker…or maybe I was just staring at it too long…I couldn’t really tell. She said, “Just show me the test!” She was still in the shower so I picked it up and held it against the glass door. She yelled “HOLY !*@#$!, you’re pregnant! I cannot believe you’re pregnant!”  I looked at the test and saw two distinct purple lines.

$1 pregnancy test

From there, it was a bit of a blur. I ended up taking a “real” ClearBlue pregnancy test the next day and it was positive. I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant from our original donor. We were going to have another baby and Ohana was going to have a full biological sibling…!

wow!

How did you learn you were pregnant? Did you psych yourself out and convince yourself you weren’t pregnant too?