Hellobee

While I was pregnant with Baby Deer, I often worried about what breastfeeding would be like the second time around. As a veteran mom, I knew there would be some challenges. Breastfeeding Little Deer was arguably one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Latch issues, an oversupply, dietary changes with Little Deer’s MSPI… it was no walk in the park. Despite it all though, I was able to breastfeed Little Deer for 18 months (and wrote several posts about our journey too).

With Baby Deer’s arrival I expected some challenges, but I was ever hopeful that things would be a bit easier. At 37-weeks I cut dairy and soy out of my diet just in case she had MSPI. I reread one of my favorite breastfeeding books and marked a few pages with sticky notes in case I needed to reference anything. I got out the breast pump and sanitized all the parts and made sure every thing was working. I even pulled out the darn nipple shields to get them ready too (though I so hoped to avoid them!).

Little Deer loves to help feed baby sister

When Baby Deer was born we did skin-to-skin and within a few minutes tried our hand at breastfeeding. She was disinterested, but the nurses assured me it was normal (big sister immediately wanted to nurse so this was new for me). The first 24 hours in the hospital Baby Deer didn’t latch once. I was very well versed in working with Lactation Consultants from our many visits when Little Deer was born, so I was happy when an LC came to see us that first day. She assured me that Baby Deer was just a sleepy newborn and would perk up soon, but I just had this feeling that we weren’t starting out on the right foot. On day two she was finally able to nurse (I had been hand expressing and spoon feeding her colostrum in the meantime) and though her latch was shallow, she was getting what she needed.

Despite the shallow latch I was determined not to use the nipple shields. I was in a lot of pain though, and by day 4 I began to crack and bleed. I reluctantly put on the nipple shields but was surprised to discover that Baby Deer hated them. It took a lot of convincing to get her to nurse with them, which was pretty stressful. I definitely hadn’t expected that. After that hurdle though, it looked like we were settling into a good routine. I wore nipple shields with Little Deer the entire 18 months we breastfed, so I knew I could do it again. I also took the fact that Baby Deer too had MSPI in-stride (I tested with a slice of pumpkin pie over Thanksgiving). I had been down this road before after all, I knew what foods to avoid and what I could make for a sweet fix.

So we were making our way along, doing fine with the nipple shields and dairy/soy-free diet. Then there came the day where everything changed. It was Little Deer’s second birthday and Mr. Deer and I wanted to take her to the park, walk around our neighborhood and look at Christmas lights. Baby Deer was about 9 weeks old at that point and had happily taken a bottle from my mom a few times, so we left her in her care for a few hours while we went out. When we came back I settled in to nurse Baby Deer like usual but she wanted nothing to do with it. She wouldn’t even latch; she just screamed and arched away from me.

From that night on we entered what I refer to as the dark ages — a long and terrible nursing strike. There’s no sugar coating it; it was hard. Harder than anything I had dealt with when breastfeeding Little Deer by far. I was already teetering on the edge of having PPD/PPA, and during the nursing strike I crossed into a dark and scary place (which is a separate post in itself). I tried everything to get Baby Deer back to the breast. We saw our pediatrician and put her on Zantac for suspected reflux. We went back to the Lactation Consultant three times. We did skin to skin a lot. I tried nursing in tons of different positions. I would even pump and bottle-feed her for a few minutes before nursing. Nothing stuck. The only way I would have any luck nursing her was if I ran into her room the moment she woke up (while she was still half asleep and swaddled, in the dark with her sound machine on) and got her sucking on her pacifier. I would then pull it out quickly and try and get her to the breast. If this didn’t work, she would immediately scream. As you can imagine, this routine is pretty difficult when you also have a toddler to keep an eye on.

As we neared the six-week mark with no new success, we decided to call it quits. The breaking point came one Sunday when she refused to nurse every single time I offered. I mentally couldn’t take it anymore. So out came the pump and I began pumping and bottle-feeding her. She would still breastfeed at night though, so I was able to take a little comfort in that and hoped it would keep our breastfeeding relationship intact so that she may come back around in the future.

Though Baby Deer was much happier taking a bottle, I still knew something wasn’t right. She was acting like there was something in my diet that was still bothering her. She had one diaper with a bit of blood in it, but it was after I had eaten a meal that a friend had prepared so I decided they must not have been as careful with the dairy and soy as I had thought. She would go days where she was happy and content, and then would suddenly be spitting up constantly and having gross diapers. I knew something was up.

Though I was exhausted in what seemed like every way, I decided to go on a Total Elimination Diet to try and pinpoint what was bothering her. About the time I started this diet my milk supply suddenly dropped. I thought it might have been due to the sudden lack of calories, but in hindsight I think it was the weeks and weeks of nursing strike struggles finally catching up with me. Not only was I barely eating and pumping every few hours, but I was now on the verge of not meeting her needs as well. Several times she would finish a bottle and want more and I just didn’t have any more milk to give her.

After over 2 weeks of being on the elimination diet, I was still struggling. I identified that she reacted to eggs and sweet potatoes but there was still more I couldn’t pinpoint. Why was she reacting to other foods the same way she did dairy and soy? That’s when it hit me. I had forgotten about it, but several years earlier with Little Deer I had researched FPIES (Food Protein-Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome). MSPI is essentially FPIES to diary and soy, but kids can react to proteins in all sorts of other foods. That’s when it made sense. I was still eating rice because it was a very hypoallergenic food, but it turns out that’s one of the top things kids with FPIES can react to. Though we are currently awaiting an appointment with the GI doctor, I’m pretty confident that Baby Deer has FPIES. All the pieces fit.

So where did this leave us? After weeks (or truly months) of struggle, I had to make a change. Despite the elimination diet I still wasn’t able to identify all of the foods she reacted to. And with the pumping, bottle-feeding, and low supply… I was not doing well. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had never considered that I may need to use formula, but Mr. Deer and I began to seriously consider it.

Finally, on my third week of the elimination diet, I changed Baby Deer’s diaper one night and discovered more blood. I was heartbroken. At the same time though it’s like a switch flipped. I knew this just wasn’t working. Breastfeeding, pumping, my milk… none of it. It wasn’t the best thing for Baby Deer and it wasn’t the best thing for me. It also wasn’t the best thing for Mr. Deer who was constantly picking me up off the floor through these struggles. And Little Deer… she was starting to cry every time I pumped and say, “No pump mama! No pump!” All the time I had taken with trying to get Baby Deer to nurse, all the hours pumping, times I had to hide away for awhile and cry… it had deeply affected Little Deer too. Breastfeeding just wasn’t working for anyone in my family.

After that night of seeing blood in her stool again, we started making the switch over to formula. Baby Deer has just turned 4 months old, and we are now just about a week into feeding her formula. I wish I could say that now that I’ve finally made the switch it’s gotten easier. It has in some ways I suppose. The stress with trying to feed her is gone. The worry if her tummy was hurting her has dissipated too. She’s such a happy baby and smiles constantly. But the guilt… I didn’t expect it to be so strong. As my body deals with abruptly ending breastfeeding, I’m constantly reminded that she’s not getting my breast milk. The milk that’s made for her. And it hurts. I was so looking forward to breastfeeding my second child and having that relationship with her. I never expected it not to work. Though I’m still feeling a bit sad and guilty, I know this is best for Baby Deer, for me, and for my family. It may not be what I pictured, but I need to let it go.

We are slowly getting into a new routine with the formula and bottle feeding. I do so love snuggling with her as I give her a bottle (she often spills milk everywhere as she eats because she smiles so much). Now others can easily feed her too, so I’m enjoying a bit more freedom. I hope in the coming weeks that Baby Deer does well on her new formula. I hope we get a good plan moving forward with managing her FPIES once we see the GI doctor. And I hope I find some peace in our decision and our new routine with feeding her. I’m so very ready to let go of the struggle and enjoy my two girls.

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How have you struggled with breastfeeding? How did you overcome the challenges (or not)?