Hellobee

Siblings Without Rivalry

S U M M A R Y

Authors: Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Recommended age: This book would be great for all parents who have two or more kids, regardless of their ages. There are so many great tools here that can help parents be aware of their own tendencies to do things such as compare, show favoritism, and cast children in “roles.” This awareness would allow us to nip common “mistakes” from the very beginning, rather than try to reverse “damage” that may have already been done (they address this too).

Overall impression: I have to say, this has been one of my favorite parenting books so far. They structured the book like a seminar. Faber and Mazlish walk through the exercises and engage readers as if they’re a part of their group. There is a casual, back-and-forth conversation feel about the whole book. They provide plenty of clear, well-thought out examples of different sibling scenarios, including what to do if there is a special needs child in the family. I also loved the comic strip visuals of “what not to do/say” versus “what to do/say.” I found those very helpful.

A   D E E P E R   D I V E

This book is actually a spin-off of their other bestseller, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. As they were working on the chapter on Sibling Rivalry in that book, they realized they would never be able to cover all the little nuances that came with such a heavy topic.

Some of the themes I noticed throughout the book, regardless of what chapter I was on, was that they always phrased things in a positive, encouraging way. They focused more on effort, tasks, and action-oriented terms rather than on innate personality traits. Rather than making sweeping generalizations, they asked us to shift our focus on describing the problem. That’s the difference between innate/unchangeable versus action/fixable (“how come you’re never on time like your sister” versus “the teacher has been waiting 10 minutes”).

I also noticed that for intervention techniques (once you get to the chapter about how to deal with fighting between siblings), the parent always validated both children’s feelings, and avoided picking sides if possible. Parents intervened to help break through barriers of communication, but did not intervene to force a decision. Most of the time, they preferred to have the kids come up with a reasonable compromise on their own. And if they can’t come to a compromise, the parent can offer up a suggestion or two to guide them in the right direction.

I loved how the suggestions really served to empower ALL parties involved – the kids and adults alike.

N O T E W O R T H Y   Q U O T E S

On personality: “Instead of worrying about the boys becoming friends… I began to think about how to equip them with the attitudes and skills they’d need for all their caring relationships. There was so much for them to know. I didn’t want them hung up all their lives on who was right and who was wrong. I wanted them to be able to move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences. Even if their personalities were such that they could never be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.”

On favoritism: “To be loved equally… is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

On favoritism: “If we want to stop showing favoritism, we first have to be aware that we feel it.”

On comparison: “Whenever I was tempted to compare one child to another, I would say to myself, ‘STOP! DON’T!’ Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don’t like… The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.”

On comparison: “It’s true, there are children who do have great natural gifts, and those gifts should certainly be recognized and encouraged. But not at the expense of the other siblings. When one child stakes out his or her area of special competence, let’s be on guard about excluding others from that area. And let’s make sure that the others don’t exclude themselves.”

On roles: “Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let’s use our power wisely. Let’s not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”

On intervention: “We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other.”

C O N C L U S I O N

I highly recommend this book, and rated it a 5 out of 5 on Goodreads. Even though my children are only 2 and 4, I can already see how I can incorporate some of these techniques into my parenting (even beyond the scope of sibling rivalry). I found that their values really aligned with mine and some of my already existing notions, such as their desire to raise children of good character, apart from where they stand as siblings (see first quote above).

I also really loved the emphasis on describing problems rather than making judgment calls – that was a huge takeaway for me, and changed the way I frame things. It was eye opening for me to reflect back on my own childhood too. It helped me understand my own areas of weakness, and how I might have contributed to certain areas in regards to my own sibling relationship, and how I might bring that baggage into the way I relate to my own kids.

Do you think your parents did a good job at neutralizing sibling rivalry?