Ahh, toddlerhood. Each new stage of parenting brings about a whole new set of issues and struggles, and let me tell you – we are officially entering the oh-so-wonderful stage of toddler behavior. Things have changed quite a bit in the Garland household over the last few months, and we’re trying to adjust as quickly as possible to handle this new phase in our lives.
One of the most difficult things we have dealt with so far is knowing which behaviors we need to really worry about and address, and which behaviors are just typically toddler behavior that we can let go. The strict teacher in me wants to focus on every tiny little behavior, but the realist and mom in me knows that’s just not feasible. And really, it wouldn’t be fun for any of us!
Recently, we were at a restaurant with my family for my sister’s birthday. Jackson is normally great in restaurants and we have never had a significant behavior problem with him in public before. But, now he’s a toddler and times are changing! He had been sick for the past week or so, so we were being pretty lenient on him in terms of behavior. He had just gotten his appetite back that day and had spent much of the afternoon snacking. So, of course, about 5 minutes after our food arrived at the table he proclaimed that he was “done!” and started whining to get out of his chair.
I tried to make him stay in the chair. And if we were home, I would have succeeded. But in the middle of a nice restaurant that isn’t necessarily super kid-friendly to begin with? I wasn’t going to let him scream and cry. So after trying for about 5 minutes to calm him down, I finally gave in and let him sit with me. That pacified him for a few more minutes, until the crying started back up, along with some serious wiggling as he tried to get out of my lap and explore. I ended up having to take him outside to calm him down and he happily walked around outside the restaurant. We stayed out there for a while and then managed to finish off the end of the meal with everyone else.
When we got home, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had handled the situation the right way. Was I too easy on him? Had I just taught him a new bad behavior? How in the world do you actually reason with a 1-year old who only understands a fraction of what you’re telling them?
Then I stepped back and started thinking about it from a behavioral perspective. Typically speaking, kids with lower cognitive functioning (aka: one-year olds who don’t have many verbal capabilities yet) are easier to teach good behavior to because they don’t “catch on” to your behavior tricks. I just needed to come up with a plan and stick to it.
This sweet little face can be serious trouble!
A few nights later, we were eating dinner at the house and his newest, most annoying behavior started. Throwing food. He thinks it’s hilarious, the dogs think it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them, and it makes me want to scream. He picks up a piece of food, lifts it high above his head, and throws it as far as he can while screeching happily. This clearly isn’t a behavior that’s looking for attention – he’s just having fun. So, I calmly grab his hand, bend down towards his face and say a firm “no” while signing with my free hand. At first he gives me a huge grin, but then he realizes I’m not playing around. I let go. He tries again, this time watching me to see what I’ll do. I do the exact same thing. He whines a bit, picks up some food, and puts it in his mouth. Score! I pour on the praise and he seems pleased with himself. I’ve done this exact routine every time he tries this behavior for the last few weeks, and it’s becoming much less frequent.
BUT! That doesn’t work for everything. Another annoying mealtime behavior he has is dropping his water cup. It’s the best game ever, in his eyes. He drops it on the ground, then says “uh oh!” repeatedly until you give it back to him. And then the whole routine starts over again. This behavior is obviously attention-seeking. He’s looking for us to interact with him, say “uh oh!” and give him the cup back. He thinks it is a fun game, not a new and innovative way to slowly drive his parents to insanity. I’ve tried saying “no” to this one, but that just makes it happen more often – another clear sign that it’s attention-driven. So, one night as he was watching me closely, he picked up the cup and slowly held it off to the side of his high chair. I immediately turned my head and looked out the window. He held the cup there for about 30 seconds, looking back and forth between the cup, the ground, and me. I carefully watched out of the corner of my eye but never let him see that I was paying any attention whatsoever. Finally, he slowly lifted the cup back to his high chair tray and took a sip. And that’s when I immediately made eye contact, cheered, clapped, and generally freaked out with praise for him.
It can be really difficult to decipher when to intervene and when to let it go with young toddler behavior. As a rule, I address most mealtime issues or things that wouldn’t be appropriate in public. I also watch closely to see what things are problem behavior and what things are learning. For example, Jackson is at the stage where he loves to throw his toys. He never throws them at people or things, he’s just throwing them to see what happens. To me, that’s exploration of cause and effect, and it’s just a natural developmental step. Once he starts throwing things at me, it will be time to step in.
This is how he feels when he’s throwing toys. Pure joy.
I’ve found that at this age, Jackson is very responsive to consistently-used short phrases and signs. When we’re in a store and he’s touching everything in sight (or trying to throw all of the greeting cards on the ground), all it takes is a quick reminder to have “sweet hands” and he pulls back. That one command also works when he’s pulling the dogs hair/ears/tail or when he gets silly and starts whacking me in the face (it happens!). As silly as it sounds, a quick “ah-ah-ah” sound like I might use with the dogs is also very effective. He knows it means no, and it stops him in his tracks almost every single time.
I’m still learning how to handle this new and challenging stage of development and all of the fun behavioral issues that go along with it. What has been the most helpful thing for me to remember is to take it slow, stay calm, and remember that he isn’t being bad on purpose. It’s my job to teach him what’s okay and what isn’t, and that’s going to take time!
How do you decide what to address and what’s not a big deal when it comes to your child’s behavior? Any tip and tricks for young toddler behavior?
pomegranate / 3113 posts
Ugh, I’m trying to figure this out. DD is 17 months and has just started to become willfully naughty over the past few weeks. And she thinks being disciplined is hilarious. Whenever I tell her not to do something, no matter how serious and firm I am, she just laughs her head off at me. The big ones are standing on chairs (she’ll climb up, stand, and when I say no standing and start toward her, she slides down to sit…but if I turn away even a smidge, she’s right back on her feet), getting into the cat’s food and water, and pushing food off her tray. So far, I haven’t found anything to work in actually getting through to her. For the most part, she’s really good, so needing to discipline her at all is very new to us and I’m really out of my element…I don’t know how much to ignore in the hopes she’s just doing it for attention and will stop if she doesn’t get any, and where to draw the line. This is so much harder than the baby stage!
guest
One thing I’ve heard that works well for us (or as well as anything with toddlers!) is to frame things in the positive. So instead of “no standing on your chair” it’s “sit on your bottom” or instead of “no running in the house” it’s “use walking feet in the house”. Similar to your approach of “use sweet hands” (we say “use gentle hands”) it helps you not need to use the “no” word as often and helps to put the behavior you would like them to do in their head. In the same vein, we follow the “say yes as much as possible” rule. So for most things, we try to allow our 20 month old lots of room. If he wants to hit, we can say ” I see you like using your hands like that, maybe we an practice hitting the pillow like that.” Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a great job. I think at this age, so much is just redirect and distract )and ignore) rather than a ton of actual discipline.
guest
I’ve been using this tactic for mealtimes..
http://www.cribtotable.com/blog/2015/4/21/how-we-put-an-end-to-throwing-and-playing-at-mealtime
our kids are the same age, we (used to, I’m at home now) have the same jobs, so I definitely take a similar analytical approach and behavior is sooooo important to me. This blog is pretty cool all around, but I really related to this post and it started working for me within a meal or two.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
My kiddo is just about to hit 2, and we’ve been in this boat since about 12-13 months. I would say that 99% of the time, I’ve focused on “no” around behavior we don’t tolerate and praise around good behavior, nothing else. At this age, impulse control is nonexistent and I think anything longer than simple words is not going to stick, so every battle has been basically no/great job. After she got more verbal (between 18-22 months), we started using longer explanations and re-direction (you can hit the couch, but not mommy; you can throw the ball, not your cup). I’ve basically been trying to tailor the sophistication level to her level of understanding and verbal ability.
guest
I agree with Ashley on this one.
As a parent of a one year old and also as an educator, I think it is important to focus on what the child is doing correctly. Instead of
“DON’T drop your cup onto the floor”, try
“KEEP your cup on your tray”. Positive reinforcement is very powerful and if you have a child who is strong-willed, saying no to everything may have the opposite effect.
Distracting, redirecting and ignoring are also huge!! Of course, there are times when they need to understand no means no, but perhaps not until they are a bit older.
guest
As a paediatrician and mother of two children under 2yoa, I agree with a lot of these strategies, but one has to allow for the child’s developmental stage. It is not typical for a young toddler to have the attention span and mindfulness to sit quietly through an entire adult mealtime.
I think that sometimes parents set themselves up for failure, by having unrealistic expectations. People spend a lot of time trying to “solve” the “behaviour problems” of young children, when most of those behaviours are age-appropriate. Sometimes parents, not children, have to change and adapt.