Some of my favorite articles online are those “what I didn’t know” articles about being a mother. There are tons of lists for what people didn’t know about post-partum, marriage, and raising kids. I thought I would take a different take on it and list some things I didn’t know about being a mother.

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I didn’t know my body would fall apart, right away

From day 1, I was shocked at how fragile my body felt. My hips felt like they had dislocated and I had to be careful the way I walked or else it felt like my hips were going to pop out of their sockets! My feet were cracked and bleeding from standing and rocking the baby for hours. I became a hunchback because of the pumping every 2-3 hours, for 8 months. My wrists and hands felt like I had arthritis. It was a difficult adjustment, but eventually I got my “normal” body back and I no longer felt like an old lady. My lower back was completely out from bending over so often. And sadly, most of the ways to cure these ailments was to just not do them anymore. So my wrists and hands hurt less and less as I stopped using them so much. My back became straight after I stopped pumping. It’s just a long wait!

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I didn’t know I would become a researcher

I’m the kind of gal that never reads instructions or directions. I hate being nit picky and would rather go with the flow and find out on my own. However, having a screaming 8 lb squirmy human in your arms makes you quite desperate to look for answers – exact answers. In my “free time” (seriously, does this exist for any mom anymore?), I would pore over the internet and research my brains out. What kind of iron drops should I get? What should I do if he keeps spitting up? What’s the best preschool that I should be on the waiting list for? What’s the best sippy cup that’s BPA free? You would think you learn your lesson and realize that everyone’s opinions are totally case by case, but no. The research continues! And sometimes, it can actually be quite – dare I say – fun!

I didn’t know I would become a nutritionist

I honestly do not like to cook. I never realized how drastically things would change once I started introducing brand new foods to a new human baby. I’m not a healthy eater so the whole “feed your baby what you’re eating” did not work for me. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t feed a 10 month old a greasy slice of pizza and some stale crackers! For the first time, I had to learn how to break down ingredients to dishes and know exactly what was in each dish. I try to make balanced meals for Baby Pencil so that he’s getting the appropriate nutrients and it’s extremely tedious! (This coincides with my previous comment.) I had to make sure that in every meal there was a protein, vegetable and some type of healthy carbohydrate like sweet potatoes. I now understand why moms complain about hating to cook – you kind of feel terrible doing the same things over and over! There have been times when I plop Baby Pencil in his highchair, open my fridge and realize I have nothing to feed him. When my husband and I talk about food in the house, it’s always about the baby’s food. He’s literally said, “who cares about us?!” Indeed. We adults eat the scraps off the tables and whatever else is lying around. Baby Pencil gets homemade, hand chopped, hand rolled, organic, fresh and organic everything. At least one of us is eating right!

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my spinach apple muffins, made with rice flour. They were terrible and I had to toss the whole batch! Waste of precious organic products! (I mean really, really terrible.)

I didn’t know I would never look at boobs the same way again

It didn’t matter who’s boobs I was looking at. Perky boobs or grandma’s boobs… They were all the same to me! They all meant one thing – milk for babies. The most animalistic thing I’ve ever done is pump from my own body, store it, and feed it to another human being for survival. The strain and stress of staring at these weird looking lumpy things from my body for hours has totally changed. For the first few months, the pain of my entire chest area made me never want to look at my boobs again. Maybe one day they’ll become an object of sexuality again. But now when I see a movie or TV ad of a woman with enormous breasts, I just think about milk supply and putting on Mother’s Love nipple cream. I have also totally changed my opinion about women getting breast implants. I have friends who were a B or C cup but now proclaim they are now a negative AAA. They say ,”all I want is an A cup! Is that too much to ask for?!” I can see how depressing it can be to have deflated sacks of breasts. After breastfeeding and allowing these little humans to take control over our breasts for years, if you want a breast job – by all means go for it!

The thought and act of sleep is so different to me now

I already talked about my postpartum nightmare and how sleep deprivation shook me to my core, but even now after Baby Pencil is sleep trained I still view sleep differently. I never realized how nutty you can become when you desperately desire sleep. When you would trade in all your possessions in the world for 1 more hour of sleep. A 4-5 hour nap compared to a 2-3 hour nap makes a world of a difference! I respect sleep now. I can’t believe how much better your body and mind can feel after resting. I also am still quite obsessed with the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. Not only that, but I obsess over everyone’s sleep. The baby’s sleep, the husband’s sleep. One missed nap can be a nightmare! When the baby is knocked out, I feel like a million bucks, smiling at the monitor. We parents will probably still be obsessed about sleep for the next 18 years or so, always having one eye or ear opened. But seriously… blissful, deep sleep is worth a thousand pounds of gold in my eyes! I will never look at it the same again. #respectsleep

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I didn’t know I would have to work on my marriage

How is it that people think having a baby makes people closer? Even the healthiest marriages probably go through a tough time when it comes to raising your first baby. There is so much resentment, exasperation and tears that just naturally happen through sleep deprivation and being at your wit’s end. I remember being 9 months pregnant and telling my husband, “I don’t want to not like you at some point!” He would lovingly tap my hand and said it would probably happen but that we would try to not let it get too bad. I can’t really describe it because everything happens slowly, and you don’t realize how bad your relationship has gotten until out of the blue your husband hugs you and you go, “Huh!? What was that? Oh right… I’m in a romantic relationship with this person.” More than feeling resentment towards each other, you just start becoming business partners in the field of “keeping this baby alive.” It’s hard to ask for anything more during the roughest periods. Then when you slowly start coming out of the post-partum coma, you find yourself wondering how to feel close to this person again. It’s tough work because life is so different now!

I didn’t know that most of the first year of life was about becoming emotionally calloused

A lot of my newer mommy friends ask me questions about, “how can you stand it? The crying, the shushing to sleep for hours, the constant worrying if you’re doing a good enough job.” A lot of my answers were just “oh you get used to it.” It seems like it’s taking forever but hour by hour, it seems like you get less and less freaked out by things. Your heart jumps less when the sleeping baby suddenly starts crying. You stop obsessing in getting a room as dark as mechanically possible so the baby will sleep. As you get used to not feeling like you’re walking in a mine field as much, your mentality turns more into, “well, this is life. I cannot control everything.” You don’t have to cater every fiber of the house to the baby’s well being. (Although a good amount of it is still about the baby right now!) But as your life goes on, you take a few more seconds here and there and soon enough you realize your baby will be just fine if you go pee first.

I didn’t know that I didn’t know anything about everything

I love being an expert in certain things. I love giving advice in dating, beauty tips and how to do conflict resolution. However, becoming a mother has humbled me to the core. I never felt confident in any of my decisions and I would be so clueless to the point of tears. My husband and I would have the battle of, “I don’t know, what do you think?” over and over. I did not know that most of parenting was one giant guessing game in every aspect of your baby’s life. It is such an enormous responsibility that I really did not want to have, especially during my postpartum days. Eventually, you get used to “failing” and become numb to inefficiency and stupid mistakes. Oops, I put the diaper on backwards. Oops, the baby was crying because a price tag was pinching him. Just learn and then stop beating yourself up! I’ve accepted this through time that I was going to do many things wrong, and that eventually this clueless mama would become a bit less clueless each day.

I didn’t know Facebook pictures could cause so much depression and comparison issues

When things were at the worst postpartum-wise, people would think I was having a blast with my adorable new baby… because my Facebook photos proved otherwise. Well, I wouldn’t say I’m having a blast particularly… But I never knew the truth behind post-partum because I only saw these awesome bonding family moments on my friends’ walls. We post the very best pictures on our walls because it’s pretty much a miracle that you were able to capture a non-horrific, decent moment in a picture. It makes you extremely pleased to present your new family in a normal smiling picture when everyone is dressed and looking at the camera. With every single good picture, there were tons of not-so-wonderful moments. But of course, the public never sees that! Everyone always assumes that all other people are living wonderfully bliss and peaceful lives. But if you actually get to know these families, they have all experienced or were going through depression, miscarriages, sleep deprivation, arguments, health problems, and just regular everyday hardships. If you pour out the honesty to another new mom, they will most likely be able to tell you comparable stories!

bathHere’s one photo I did post on Facebook, in which a lot of moms agreed was a picture of true parenthood.

I didn’t know I could love so differently

I remember when I was pregnant, I would hear from other moms, “you think you love your husband? Just have a baby… that is love.” I wouldn’t dismiss my love for my husband, but I do admit that I was shocked at this very different type of love that exists in having a baby and staring at it in the face. I was one of those moms that didn’t fall in love with my baby right away, but I do remember the first time Baby Pencil looked at me very straight forward and I felt this incredible bond. It’s one thing to have mommy’s eyes and daddy’s cheeks, but looking into his eyes felt like I was looking into my own soul. He and I shared the same essence, the same kindred spirit. I see how along with good moments, darkness and pain in a long journey can bring you the deepest love.

What are some things you didn’t know about becoming a mom?