Hellobee

I knew that I definitely wanted to have more than one baby, so when Little Washi was nearing one year old we started talking about when to start trying again. I didn’t particularly want to have two babies under two, but I also felt like I couldn’t be too picky about timing. It took more than three years to conceive Little Washi and I was already in my early thirties. I know that it isn’t unusual for women to have babies in their late thirties and early forties these days, but I also know fertility starts to decrease with age.  Since I wasn’t great at making babies even in my twenties, waiting didn’t seem like the best idea.

We decided we would rather go for it and deal with the unlikely possibility of getting pregnant right away. Which of course, did not happen. But eight months later, I did get a positive pregnancy test.

The timing was perfect. This time I was thrilled to see that positive test. Of course, I was still incredibly nervous after my previous two miscarriages, but I also felt optimistic that things were going to turn out alright. I had gotten to experience the magic of having a successful pregnancy and I knew it was possible I might get to have that again.

Since I had started taking progresterone right away when I was pregnant with Little Washi, I immediately called my doctor and got a new prescription. I couldn’t believe things were actually going so smoothly for us!

Unfortunately, later that week, I was using the restroom and saw blood. I was completely shocked. My previous miscarriages had happened around weeks 8 and 9 and I was only five and a half weeks pregnant at this point. I really wasn’t even on alert for problems yet!

I called my doctor and they sent me for a blood test which confirmed I was no longer pregnant. So that made miscarriage number three. Miscarriages this early are called chemical pregnancies. But what exactly is a chemical pregnancy? Did that mean I wasn’t really pregnant? Apparently not. A chemical pregnancy is just the term for a very early miscarriage – a pregnancy that ended before it could be detected by ultrasound. Doctors think that the majority of these early losses are caused by chromosomal abnormalities that likely would have never developed into a viable baby.

Knowing this made the loss of my pregnancy easier in some ways. It was comforting to think that this loss was unrelated to whatever caused my previous miscarriages, that it was a random occurrence. But at the same time, I also really don’t like the term chemical pregnancy. It makes it sound like it had nothing to do with a baby – just a chemistry experiment that went awry.

It’s hard not to compare this loss to my previous two miscarriages. This earlier loss was definitely easier physically – it was similar to a short period with more intense cramping. It was also a little easier emotionally. I was still incredibly sad, but because the loss was so early, I just hadn’t had as much time to grow attached. I think it was also a bit easier because I had Little Washi around. He kept me plenty busy and distracted and he also reminded me that having a sweet baby was not impossible for me. I had done it before and could hopefully do it again. Having him made healing from this last miscarriage so much less raw than before.

After this third loss, I started to really question how many miscarriages I could take. What would be the number that would put me over the edge. Was four too many? Five? I had been pretty confident that progesterone was the solution to my previous miscarriages, but maybe I was wrong about that?

I wasn’t sure, but I did know I wasn’t ready to stop trying for another baby.