Hellobee

This post was originally written on February 25, 2009.

I’ve been thinking about last year and what we were doing at this time. I remember wondering if the future would ever bring me a biological child, and I felt so lonely. I felt so far away from everything I wanted. We forged ahead and it was hard. When I had my fourth miscarriage in July last year, I remember writing about how calm I felt. How a peace had come over me. I also wrote of how sure I was sure that “5th time will be the charm.”

It was true… something had come over me. A little voice inside said it was all just fine, and everything was over now. “Everything” being the pain of the miscarriages and the worry that came with all of it. I told my husband, my friends and my family that it was all going to be ok… to not worry because it was all over and the next time would be the time. My brother told me he just didn’t want me to get my hopes up too high only to be disappointed again, but I assured him that I just knew it would be ok.

This all happened on my 30th birthday, when my husband had taken me to Rockport, MA for a few days to be near the restorative powers of the ocean and beautiful sights. The photo is a view of the sunset from our room, as we sat with the windows open and felt the cool breeze on our skin. That photo was taken in a moment of such peace and hope… I really felt wrapped up in a hug.

During the day, we took a short drive into Salem, MA and did touristy things there. On our walk back from viewing the House of the Seven Gables, I made Mr. H&S stop in this random new age bookstore with me. I have no idea what compelled me to go in there since I haven’t been in a place like that since my pre-teen years of angst. I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I wandered quickly around and spotted a tiny sign on an index card that said “Tarot Card Readings Here.”

Well, I’d never had a tarot card reading before… I never was interested. But I just felt like I needed to do it, so I asked the clerk and she sent me behind a small curtain where a man sat. He reminded me of a guy you’d see in a biker gang. He was perhaps in his late 50s, had a Harley t-shirt and jeans on, and had wispy graying hair pulled back into a long low ponytail. He had a friendly face and had tanned weathered skin.

I sat down having no idea what was going to happen. He smiled at me and explained that he was going to do a tarot reading for me, and that he used the cards and his small amount of psychic abilities together to see what he could. I’m pretty open-minded, so I simply agreed to move forward as I picked the cards out from the newly shuffled pack (I got to shuffle them too!). He put them face up one-by-one in a pattern and he sat quietly for a few moments.

He launched into what he saw in the cards, telling me about career plans and my home life. He became quiet as he looked puzzled and said “do you have any children?” I snorted and said “NO!” I was going through my miscarriage at that exact second, so needless to say I was a little bitter sounding. He was quiet a while longer and said… “you sound so sure!” And I said “I’m pretty damned sure!”

So, he cleared his throat and continued to look around the cards. After a bit he finally said “I’m just confused. You seem to not want children, but I’m seeing them here and I don’t know what to tell you.”

I looked up at him and said “No! I DO want children! I DO! I’m pregnant right Now, but…”

He cut me off to congratulate me but I continued on… “I’m going through a miscarriage so it’s not really happening.”

He told me how sorry he was and stared more at the cards. He said “I don’t know what has been going on with your journey to get here, and I don’t really need to know. But I can tell you that you will be pregnant soon if you aren’t already. You already told me you aren’t, so I can only say that it is happening right away. As in next month. I know you are probably scared, but I can tell you that it will work out great. I see children here for you, I can see them. And I see more than one in your future; I cannot always say that for everyone. You will be blessed soon with the child you have been waiting for and it will be healthy. See?”

He then pointed to the cards that led him to believe this and what they meant. He also told me his “spirit guides” were telling him so, and the cards confirmed his thoughts. He looked so proud and excited. He pointed to a card that showed the back of a man and a woman holding hands as they faced a rainbow and sunset over a beautiful landscape. In the foreground were two children dancing in a circle with their arms linked together (square dancing style). The rainbow was made up of several golden chalices. He said that is the card that, for him, meant a baby was on the way. It was a card of prosperity and dreams coming true in terms of happiness and family… looking to the happy future.

After the reading was over, I walked out feeling good. I think it was because the reading validated the sure feelings I’d already been having that things were going to be ok. I felt even more at peace. And I conceived exactly one month later.

Did he really see what he saw? I’ll never know for sure. But I can say it was just what I needed to give me that little boost of hope in a time of loss. I took what he said with a grain of salt, and deep down I already knew what I needed to know, and that was inside of me all along. It does make for an interesting story in my history, and whenever I feel a little bit worried about things, I think of the friendly man with the ponytail and how he told me it was all going to be just fine.