Charlie has been acting up ever since baby Olive came along… a total coincidence, I’m sure. We’ve been meaning to start using timeouts to address his behavior, but had been holding off for three reasons:

1. We felt a bit responsible for his acting up, since we helped cause the problem in the first place by having another baby.
2. Charlie got massively sick several times, with a head cold and also oral herpes. Because his sicknesses caused him to act up even more, we didn’t feel right starting timeouts and punishing him for what might not be his fault.
3. To be honest, we were just stalling on starting timeouts because we didn’t know much about them. We really wanted to research them, because it’s the sort of thing you want to do right the first time.

Recently we realized that Charlie had completely recovered from his sickness. We were so happy! But then he started spitting on the floor of our house, as all that nasty post-sickness stuff started coming up from his lungs. I totally understand why he was spitting, but spitting on our house floor is completely unacceptable and gross. When we told Charlie to stop it, he would laugh like it was a game and sometimes even spit again while looking at us in the eye. Argh!


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On Saturday, Charlie repeatedly spat on the floor despite multiple warnings. Since it was the weekend and we had the whole day with him, we knew it was a good time to try a timeout. I picked up Charlie, carried him to a Timeout Corner that we had previously picked out, and told him that he was now in a timeout. I knelt down to his eye level, and calmly explained to him that spitting is not acceptable and that that’s why I was giving him a timeout. I used the word “Timeout” several times, so that he would know what was going on. In general, I followed the timeout guidelines from Supernanny (she calls the timeout corner a Naughty Step).

When your child misbehaves or breaks one of the House Rules explain what she’s done wrong, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and warn her that if she behaves in the same way again, she’ll be put on the Naughty Step. Make sure your voice remains calm, not angry, and use a low, authoritative tone.

Is there a particular toy or something which is triggering the situation which you could calmly remove? Or is your child tired or hungry? See if you can help resolve her frustration and move her on to another activity or use the Involvement Technique to diffuse the situation.

If she misbehaves again, immediately put her on the Naughty Step. Explain clearly why she is there and how long she must stay there (one minute per year of her age).

If she comes off the Naughty Step, put her back on using gentle but firm movements and keep putting her back onto the step until she realises that you’re committed to keeping her there for the agreed set time.

Once your child has completed the agreed set time on the Naughty Step, crouch down so you’re on the same level, use a low and authoritative tone of voice, and explain why you put her there. Ask her to apologize, and when she does, praise her warmly with a kiss and a cuddle. Say ‘thank you’, go back to what you were doing and forget about the incident.

If your child refuses to apologize (or does something like shouts ‘sorry’ in a way which makes you think she probably doesn’t mean it!), continue this technique until she realises that you need a proper apology. But don’t forget the kiss and cuddle at the end!

I was shocked at how effective the timeout was! The whole experience went amazingly well.

1) Charlie seemed to know he had done something wrong. I had thought maybe he would be unrepentant, but instead he really seemed to know that he had been doing something bad. He cried hot wet tears, which was heartbreaking. But at the same time, spitting on our floors is gross and I wanted him to know it’s not acceptable.

2) He apologized, not only to me during the timeout but also to Mrs. Bee afterward. He will often hold back on an apology if he feels he didn’t do something wrong, so I took this as a sign that he knew he had done something wrong.

3) You’re supposed to do timeouts for one-minute-per-year of age, rounding up a minute at the half-year mark. But I felt that his first timeout shouldn’t be that long, especially since he had immediately burst into tears. So I kept the timeout to about one minute. (I plan to increase the length of the timeouts in the future.)

4) Afterward, Charlie recovered quickly and played well the rest of the evening. I think the timeout was much harder emotionally for me and Mrs. Bee than it was for him!

Sunday was the day after The Timeout, and it was kind of amazing. Mrs. Bee and I spent the whole day with him, and he was much better behaved than usual. Was this a coincidence, or was it the timeout? I can’t say for sure, but I can say that he hasn’t been well behaved in a long time!

We had a few incidents on Sunday, and each time we mentioned the “T-word”. It was amazing the effect it had:

* Charlie acted up pretty early Sunday morning, and we warned him that if he kept it up we’d put him in a timeout. He immediately said, “No timeout!” It turns out that after a single timeout, he definitely knew what it was and didn’t want one. Wow, I had no idea that there would be results so quickly!

* When we were out at the playground later in the morning, Charlie acted up again. I wasn’t sure whether or not to warn him about a timeout, since we were not at home. But I had read in my online research that when out and about, you can give a timeout and then do the timeout when you get back home. (Or even do it there, if you have a mat or something that you can put on the floor.) So I confidently warned Charlie that if he didn’t behave better, we would give him a timeout. As soon as he heard the words “timeout”, he said “No timeout!” again and then started acting much better. After his nap, we took Charlie to a nearby shopping mall in the afternoon, and he was an angel the whole day! It was pretty shocking. We didn’t even have to mention the “T word” to him. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or not, but we’ll take it!

We almost had a whole day without a timeout, but then after we got home we were all hanging out and Charlie hit me. We’ve had an issue lately where he will hit me from time to time, which is obviously very disrespectful. So I warned him that if he hit me again that I’d put him in a timeout. He laughed and then hit me again. It seemed like a textbook case of testing boundaries. So even though I didn’t want to do a timeout after such a great day, I felt like I had to give him a short one to let him know that I was serious about the warning.

Charlie immediately started crying in his Timeout Corner. This time, he only cried one tear… but it was a big hot wet one. For some reason, this made me feel completely miserable. If he was trying to manipulate me, then it worked. After the timeout, I asked him for a hug as always. He gave me one, and I told him that I loved him.

I hate punishing Charlie, but I feel like the alternative is even worse. I love him so much, and it’s hard for me to see him cry. I tell myself that he’s just facing the consequences of his own bad behavior, but sometimes I feel like I’m the one that is making him cry. It helps to remind myself of what he did, so I don’t just end the timeout early and give him a big hug and a high five every time.

Overall, I think that the timeouts have been a valuable addition to our parenting toolkit. In some ways, timeouts are the parenting equivalent to crying it out. Not everyone needs them and you have to do the research to make sure it’s right for you. But in many case, the technique can be life changing! So far, our results have been encouraging.

Have you used timeouts with your little one? If so, how has it worked for you… and if not, how do you let your little one know when they’ve crossed the line in their behavior?

Timeouts part 1 of 4

1. The Power of Timeouts by Mr. Bee
2. The Case Against Timeouts by Mr. Bee
3. thinking time, a new thought on time-out by Mrs. Palette
4. Calm Down Bottles by Mrs. Cowgirl

Toddler Tantrums part 2 of 12

1. How to prevent tantrums: A guide to the 5 triggers and 2 stressors that cause tantrums by Mr. Bee
2. The Power of Timeouts by Mr. Bee
3. The Case Against Timeouts by Mr. Bee
4. Three Ways to say "no" to your kids by Mr. Bee
5. From Devil to Angel: "Tina's No" by mrs. wagon
6. What Shamu Taught Me About Happy Toddlers by Mr. Bee
7. The Best Parenting Book I've Ever Read by Mr. Bee
8. Cracking the code on toddler tantrums by Mrs. Jacks
9. What would Ellie do? Managing tantrums. by Mrs. Jacks
10. The Trenches of Toddler-Dom by Mrs. High Heels
11. The Nurtured Heart Approach: Disciplining for Greatness by Mrs. Twine
12. Diagnosing Tantrums and Behavioral Problems for 3-4 Year Olds by Mrs. Bee