A friend of mine once told me that during the 3’s her kids’ behavior was usually good for 2 weeks then bad for 1. During the 4’s, they were good for 3 weeks then bad for 1. As they got older, their behavior increasingly improved. Mrs. Wagon recently wrote that 4 has been fabulous. We’re only a month into the fours with Charlie, but sadly they haven’t been that fabulous for us yet.

I learned the term “threenager” on the Hellobee boards, and that best describes what Charlie was like through his 3’s — he could be perfectly happy one second then throwing a tantrum the next. Before he turned 3, he was a relatively mellow child. Sure he threw the occasional tantrum, but they were usually tied to him being hungry or tired. The tantrums in his 3’s were more frequent, bigger, longer, and seemingly much more irrational (see 46 Reasons Why my 3 Year Old Might be Freaking Out). The 3’s were much harder than the 2’s for us, and I was really looking to the 4’s as the end of his threenager period.

But Charlie’s behavior this past week has been pretty horrible. He’s been defiant, throwing tantrums, saying hurtful things, and acting up in school. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Whenever Charlie is “off,” I go through a list of things to try to figure out the cause.

– Is he tired? This is probably the #1 cause of his (and most children’s) behavioral problems. I’ve read that even a sleep deficit of 1 hour can have a big impact (I read that in Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving… or Missing Sleep?). Shortly after Charlie started pre-k last September he also dropped his monster afternoon nap, so a sleep deficit can build up pretty quickly for him. Ideally he needs 12 hours of sleep at night, but often he ends up getting 11 hours, sometimes even 10 hours. The only way he’ll nap lately on the weekends is if we have a really busy morning and he falls asleep in the stroller, and even that is rare. I’ve been known to push him around for hours, just so he can get that extra sleep.

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– Is he hungry? This doesn’t affect him as much as it used to when he was younger, but hunger can affect anyone’s mood.

– Is he constipated? This doesn’t affect every child, but Charlie has battled constipation off and on for the past 2 years. For some reason when he’s acting up and then goes to the bathroom — even if he hasn’t been constipated — he instantly becomes better behaved.

– Is he getting too much sugar? Shortly after Charlie started pre-k, his general behavior started getting worse. Then I found out that he was getting chocolate milk or juice 4 times a day, when he hadn’t been used to getting any sweet beverages. We asked his teachers not to give him any chocolate milk or juice, and we definitely saw an improvement in his behavior. He doesn’t get much sugar day to day now, but he does have a lot of birthday parties in class and consumed a lot of sugar over the holidays with all the gingerbread houses, cookies, and holiday treats.

– Is he getting too much screen time? There are countless studies out there on how screentime affects children. Charlie doesn’t ask to watch tv or play games very often, and he is generally fine with very little screen time, limited only to the weekends. But lately we’ve been stuck indoors a lot with the cold weather, and Olive got a lot of extra screen time while she was weaning, which meant extra screen time for Charlie. In the past excessive screen time when we’ve traveled has affected Charlie’s behavior. We don’t see it as much now that he’s older, but whenever he starts acting out, we reel back the screen time because it can’t hurt!

– Is he getting enough exercise? Exercise has a huge impact on mood even for adults, and I can imagine it does even moreso for energetic little kids. Charlie has not been getting as much exercise as usual lately because it’s been raining and snowing a lot, so he hasn’t been getting outdoor time at school. And because it’s been cold, we’ve been spending a lot more time indoors at home on the weekends as well.

– Has there been a big change in his routine/life? There was a big change in Charlie’s life recently because I took over his bedtime routine 3 weeks ago when we weaned Olive. Mr. Bee has been doing his bedtime routine for over two years since Olive was born while I’ve been doing Olive’s, but we switched during the weaning process. That meant that Charlie got almost no quality time with Mr. Bee during the week because evenings are so busy with dinner, bath, homework, etc. He seemed to be fine with the switch, but he had a particularly bad day yesterday. My working theory is that he was acting out because he wanted more attention from Mr. Bee.

Charlie also just spent almost 3 weeks at home with the Christmas break and snow days, so going back to school was a big transition.

– Is he getting enough quality time/attention? Charlie goes to public pre-k all day and then is in an after school program until 5pm. Though he had similar schedule when he was in daycare and was perfectly fine, I think public school is much more demanding because he’s learning so much more, he’s surrounded by so many other kids which provides more opportunities for conflict, and he attends two separate programs which involves a big transition. It really is a lot for someone so young to handle, and I think he needs us a little more even though he is older now, than he was when he was in a small, loving daycare environment.

Charlie also went from hanging out with us all day every day over Christmas break to going back to school full-time, so he definitely hasn’t been getting nearly as much quality time lately as he had been the past month. Acting out could be his way of getting more attention.

.  .  .  .  .

I think his poor behavior the past couple of days can be explained by a couple of the reasons listed above. The biggest is probably the change in routine, exacerbated by lack of exercise, and I always think that sleep is a factor somehow. So we’re going to try to get to bed a little earlier, get some exercise — even if it just means a walk around the block, eliminate screen time because that’s easy to do and less screen time means more quality time, and pick him up earlier from school so that we have more time together in the evenings.

I’m not sure if Mr. Bee should go back to doing Charlie’s bedtime routine because is that rewarding him for his poor behavior? Will that teach him that if he misbehaves at night he will get his way? Charlie is already so close to Mr. Bee and lately Olive cries for me every night. We are all very close — Charlie just favors Mr. Bee and Olive favors me. But I’m not sure how much favoring one parent is or isn’t an issue.

In the past, we had good results with discipline (especially timeouts), but these days it doesn’t really work with Charlie. In the past year or so, we’ve had the most success with positive parenting where we empathize with him and allow him to express his anger/frustration. We want him to be able to feel bonded to us enough to tell us how he’s feeling. I try not to lecture in the moment and once the intensity of his feelings in the moment have subsided, we talk things through and he always expresses remorse and apologizes. Honestly it can be really hard to remain patient and not lose my cool with him sometimes! But getting upset does not have any positive effects on our relationship, so it’s something that I’m always working on.

Ultimately I’m not sure how much of the changes will affect Charlie, but they can’t hurt. Maybe he acts out sometimes because he’s just still a little kid trying to figure out his own independence and emotions. I can understand that. I’m right there with him trying to figure out every new challenge this whole parenting thing brings with each age.

What causes your little one to misbehave or throw tantrums and how do you respond?

Toddler Tantrums part 12 of 12

1. How to prevent tantrums: A guide to the 5 triggers and 2 stressors that cause tantrums by Mr. Bee
2. The Power of Timeouts by Mr. Bee
3. The Case Against Timeouts by Mr. Bee
4. Three Ways to say "no" to your kids by Mr. Bee
5. From Devil to Angel: "Tina's No" by mrs. wagon
6. What Shamu Taught Me About Happy Toddlers by Mr. Bee
7. The Best Parenting Book I've Ever Read by Mr. Bee
8. Cracking the code on toddler tantrums by Mrs. Jacks
9. What would Ellie do? Managing tantrums. by Mrs. Jacks
10. The Trenches of Toddler-Dom by Mrs. High Heels
11. The Nurtured Heart Approach: Disciplining for Greatness by Mrs. Twine
12. Diagnosing Tantrums and Behavioral Problems for 3-4 Year Olds by Mrs. Bee