Hellobee

Many of my friends and family have had trouble conceiving whether it took them a very long time to conceive, they had miscarriages, or went through fertility treatments, and I was no exception.  When Mr. Bee and I got married in March 2005, I was 26 years old, which was younger than I’d expected I’d be in my grand master plan.  We had time to enjoy newlywed life and grow our businesses, so we decided to wait two years to start trying for kids.

I went off the pill in February and just after our 2nd anniversary the following month, we stopped preventing getting pregnant.  Being the obsessive person that I am, I didn’t want to overthink everything by charting and tracking because stressing out about getting pregnant only makes it harder for you to get pregnant.  So we just let nature take its course.

I didn’t get pregnant that first month, but during the second month, I was going to the Cayman Islands on a press trip.  I didn’t think I was pregnant, but decided to take a home pregnancy test the day before I left so I could enjoy drinks on my trip without worrying.  On the morning of April 18th, 2007 much to my complete surprise, the test was positive! A visit to the ob later that day — I wanted to make sure it was safe to travel — confirmed that I was indeed 4 weeks pregnant.  Though we weren’t expecting it to happen so quickly, we were of course ecstatic. I purchased some pregnancy books right away and started dreaming about and planning for our future baby.

Ultrasound #1 – 5 Weeks

As soon as I came back from the Cayman Islands, I had to switch obs because my doctor stopped accepting my insurance.  I did a ton of research and found a highly regarded ob specializing in high risk pregnancies at one of the best hospitals in New York.  At my 5 week ultrasound, she said it looked like I was going to miscarry based on the shape of my gestational sac. She tried to reassure me by telling me just how common miscarriages are. The overall miscarriage rate is about 15-20%, but my doctor believed it was closer to 25 – 30% because so many miscarriages occur early on before the mother even knows that she’s pregnant. My blood was drawn to test for my hCG and progesterone levels, and my doctor told me to come back in a week for a follow-up ultrasound.

I had never considered the possibility of miscarrying. You plan on getting pregnant and having a baby. You don’t plan for a miscarriage.

I came home and scoured message boards like misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com and read countless stories of women who were told they were going to miscarry but didn’t. 5 weeks is very early to determine whether or not you’re going to miscarry. I gave myself the slightest glimmer of hope, and hoped beyond hopes that somehow everything would be ok.

At my 6 week ultrasound, the gestational sac and yolk sac had grown and my doctor said that everything seemed to look ok. My hCG and progesterone levels looked good too! I was upset that she had put me through hell for the past week for nothing, but I was just glad that the baby was ok. The hospital was too far away and I didn’t love the doctor, so I found a new ob with whom I scheduled a 7 week ultrasound. I started feeling pregnancy symptoms like nausea and food aversion, and I truly believed that the pregnancy was going to make it.

Ultrasound #3 – 7 Weeks

At my 7 week ultrasound with the new ob, the gestational sac was only measuring 6 weeks old, and she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I wanted to believe that everything was ok so badly, this was shocking news. My doctor referred me to a fertility specialist a couple blocks away that had higher resolution ultrasound machines. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in that same day.

Ultrasound #4 & 5

An ultrasound on a higher resolution machine showed the gestational sac measuring 6 weeks, though I was 7 weeks along, and what looked like the slightest flicker of cardiac activity. The doctor had me get my third ultrasound of that day on the highest resolution machine they had. That machine also showed the gestational sac measuring 6 weeks with the slightest flicker. The gestational sac should have been measuring bigger and there should have been a clear heartbeat by this point however, so I was told that I would most likely miscarry. Deep down inside I still clung to the smallest glimmer of hope.  I’d read crazier stories on the miscarriage message boards after all.

Ultrasound #6 – 8 Weeks

I went back to my ob at 8 weeks to do one last ultrasound… just in case. The gestational sac was still measuring 6 weeks and there was no cardiac activity. It was definitive.

My ob gave me the option of miscarrying naturally (which could take weeks), having a d&c (surgery), or taking the RU-486 pill. I didn’t want to have to wait weeks to miscarry or undergo surgery if I didn’t have to, so I opted for the pill. I took one pill that same day, and another pill 2 days later that would induce the miscarriage. A couple hours after taking the second pill, my stomach started cramping very heavily. The cramping lasted for a couple of hours — knowing that I was actively experiencing my miscarriage filled me with such sadness. In the middle of the night, I felt myself pass the entire sac while I was awake. I took the sac, wrapped it in some tissue, and discarded it. Mr. Bee was asleep and I didn’t even wake him up. I have never felt so completely and utterly alone.

It’s amazing how attached you can get to the idea, the promise of an unborn baby in a matter of days and weeks. I obsessed about all the different ways I could have caused the miscarriage. Was it because I went to the Cayman Islands?  Was it because I just got off the pill? What did I do wrong?

It’s common for women to blame themselves after a miscarriage, and I had no idea miscarriages were so common until it happened to me. Because my friends didn’t have children yet, miscarriages were not really on my radar. But in talking about my experience, everyone around me had a story about their moms, sisters, and friends. In fact my I’d never even known that my own cousin had 3 miscarriages before going on to have two healthy sons.

After a period of many tears and grieving and sadness, I ultimately convinced myself that miscarriages were so common.  This was a one time fluke. I couldn’t have prevented it. It wouldn’t happen to me again. Of course I was so wrong.

To be continued…