Bee and I have been worried about Charlie becoming spoiled and entitled, especially as he’s started to whine and throw tantrums more (not sure which one is worse).  It is embarrassing showing this video, but here is Charlie whining  for ice cream.

So we’ve been reading up on how to say “no” to your kids. We’ve read a few books and Googled the blogosphere, but actually the best tips for saying “no” have come from Hellobee!

We’ve been trying three types of n’os out on Charlie, and thought we’d share the results with you:

  • “Tina’s No” aka the Explanatory No
  • “The Hide & Seek No” aka the When/Then No.
  • The French No
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1. Tina’s No

Hellobee’s Tina posted to the boards about how acknowledging your toddler’s emotions can help prevent and resolve tantrums (she mentioned her approach was “a modified version of the “Happiest Toddler on the Block” toddler-ese and fast-food-rule strategies.”).

We wanted [our son RJ] to put on his shirt and he didn’t want to. When we offered him a choice between two shirts, he pushed them both away and wailed — he didn’t care which shirt, he just didn’t want a shirt. When we challenged him to put the shirt on by himself, he turned away and wailed— again, he just did not want a shirt on! Finally, I said “RJ! You don’t WANT your shirt! You don’t like shirts! Shirts are yucky!” He started to calm down, and I continued: “You don’t WANT a shirt! No shirt! No shirt!” He started to soften and he let me put his shirt on as I continued: “I know you don’t LIKE your shirt, you don’t want it, but we need to put a shirt on if we want to go downstairs and play! Do you want to go downstairs and play?”

So, after all that, we’re realizing that RJ just wants us to acknowledge his emotions. I think that most of his tantrums come from the frustration that we don’t understand how he feels, and possibly that we just don’t care how he feels; we’re just forcing him to do whatever WE want him to do. So when we acknowledge and identify his emotions, I think he starts to trust that we DO know how he feels, and more importantly, that we CARE how he feels. So far this has been able to calm him down enough to at least move on to the next step.

Charlie used to object to changing his clothes in the exact same way!  Sometimes we would be late for daycare because he would object when we tried to dress him in the morning.  But after reading Tina’s post, we started acknowledging his emotions, and it has definitely helped. Now “Tina’s No” is an important part of our parenting toolkit.

Tina’s No is not quite a full no… but we’ve found that after we acknowledge Charlie’s emotions, he is much more open to agreeing to things.  Thanks, Tina!

2. The Hide & Seek No

On Friday, Mrs. Hide & Seek posted a tip which rocked Mrs. Bee and my world:

I am pretty strict when it comes to my daughter learning to wait and sitting nicely when we’re out to eat. I just insist on it and don’t accept anything else.

If she acts up, then I say “when you behave like this, we have to leave.” And off we go. She learned very quickly that her negative behaviors have consequences. Now, she sits nicely and we love going to eat as a family.

As for learning to wait, we prevent tantrums and issues by using what I’ve dubbed the “first-then” approach. When I’m feeding the newborn and my daughter asks for something that I can’t do at the moment, I’ll say “OK! We can do that! FIRST I have to finish feeding the baby, THEN we can do (X).” Then, I have her repeat me and I’ll ask “What do we do FIRST?” And she answers me…and then she gets lots of praise. She then will play on her own for the rest of the time.

Sometimes I’ll remind her of what we’re doing next by saying, for example “Honey! I’m so excited to get you your chocolate milk when the baby is done eating! It will be pretty soon!” She seems to like that I haven’t forgotten her wishes and that she’s still at the top of my mind. This helps her wait without fuss.

We tried out Hide & Seek’s tip this weekend, and it worked so well!  Mrs. Hide & Seek – if your ears were burning this weekend, it was because Mrs. Bee and I were praising your name to the heavens.

Here’s an example of how we used the Hide & Seek No. Bee and I took Charlie and Olive to the grocery store yesterday. As usual, Charlie started begging us to eat the various treats we put into the cart. We said “no”, but he kept begging (maybe our no wasn’t authoritative and French enough?). So we tried a Hide & Seek No using a When/Then construct (we didn’t remember her suggested verbiage quite right).

The Bee Parents: “Charlie, WHEN we pay for the food, THEN you can eat the cupcakes. But we have to pay for the food first, okay?”

Charlie: (with a sad but accepting tone of voice) “Okay.”

We were thrilled and a bit shocked by how quick and effective the Hide & Seek No was! We used it over and over at the grocery store, and Charlie accepted it every time. So it’s time for a big ol’ public THANK YOU from the Bee family to Mrs. Hide & Seek!

THANK YOU!!!

3. The French No

We read Pamela Druckerman’s WSJ article on how to “saying non with authority.”  Here was the key excerpt:

[My friend] Frédérique … said that I needed to make my “no” stronger and to really believe in it. The next time Leo tried to run outside the gate, I said “no” more sharply than usual. He left anyway. I followed and dragged him back. “You see?” I said. “It’s not possible.”

Frédérique smiled again and told me not to shout but rather to speak with more conviction. I was scared that I would terrify him. “Don’t worry,” Frederique said, urging me on.

Leo didn’t listen the next time either. But I gradually felt my “nos” coming from a more convincing place. They weren’t louder, but they were more self-assured. By the fourth try, when I was finally brimming with conviction, Leo approached the gate but—miraculously—didn’t open it. He looked back and eyed me warily. I widened my eyes and tried to look disapproving.

After about 10 minutes, Leo stopped trying to leave altogether. He seemed to forget about the gate and just played in the sandbox with the other kids. Soon Frédérique and I were chatting, with our legs stretched out in front of us. I was shocked that Leo suddenly viewed me as an authority figure.

We’ve actually had mixed results with using a French No. It’s been very helpful to remember “speak with more conviction” when we say no to Charlie. We’ve been doing that, and he has definitely been realizing that “no means no.”

But we’ve found that the French No is not always successful for us. It’s a valuable tool, but it works best when we have other “Nos” we can draw upon.  For example, at the grocery store, we could’ve spent the whole shopping experience throwing authoritative French Nos at Charlie every time he begged for cupcakes. But instead, we used the Hide & Seek No, and we resolved the whole situation instantly.  Or when we dress Charlie for school, we could ignore his objections and throw a French No at him. Or we could use a Tina No, and he calms down almost instantly.

What we’ve found is that the French No is a powerful tool, but it’s something you want to save for when you really need it. When the other Nos fail us, the French No is there just waiting to be used.  For example, last night Charlie started acting crazy while I was feeding him dinner. (He woke up at 5:30 am, and had been a bit off all day.) So when I stepped away from his high chair to get him a drink, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he started grabbing handfuls of his food and throwing it on the floor. (He hasn’t really done this before to me though, so I was surprised.)

This was a situation that called for a French No, and so I broke it out with authority. Charlie knew right away I meant business. He started acting all confused and saying over and over, “What is Charlie doing? What is Charlie doing?” It was so cute, but I didn’t crack a smile (I was channeling Frédérique and her French Nos). Instead I looked at his hand, which was holding some seaweed that he was just about to throw on the ground. I said firmly, “Charlie, No! Do you want a Timeout?”

Charlie said, “No Daddy,” and he put the seaweed down. Victory!!!

Many thanks to Tina, Mrs. Hide & Seek and Pamela Druckerman for teaching us three ways to say no! Bee and I are determined not to spoil Charlie, and to make sure that our kids are not entitled.  Armed with three forms of no (and timeouts too), we feel like we have a fighting chance.

Thanks to the Hellobee blogging and boards communities for all of your help!

How do you say no to your kids?

Toddler Tantrums part 4 of 12

1. How to prevent tantrums: A guide to the 5 triggers and 2 stressors that cause tantrums by Mr. Bee
2. The Power of Timeouts by Mr. Bee
3. The Case Against Timeouts by Mr. Bee
4. Three Ways to say "no" to your kids by Mr. Bee
5. From Devil to Angel: "Tina's No" by mrs. wagon
6. What Shamu Taught Me About Happy Toddlers by Mr. Bee
7. The Best Parenting Book I've Ever Read by Mr. Bee
8. Cracking the code on toddler tantrums by Mrs. Jacks
9. What would Ellie do? Managing tantrums. by Mrs. Jacks
10. The Trenches of Toddler-Dom by Mrs. High Heels
11. The Nurtured Heart Approach: Disciplining for Greatness by Mrs. Twine
12. Diagnosing Tantrums and Behavioral Problems for 3-4 Year Olds by Mrs. Bee