Hellobee

For a horrifying few months, Charlie was calling the shots around the house. He wasn’t taking his baths, he wasn’t going to sleep, he wasn’t listening to us… and worst of all, none of our usual tricks were working.

Since then, Bee and I have used timeouts, positive parenting, redirecting, activities and Magic 1-2-3 techniques on Charlie in an attempt to exorcise the spoiled child within our son. It’s taken about two months or so, but the change has been remarkable! As a result, I can finally say that I feel like Charlie is on the track to not being spoiled.

The biggest shift has been that Bee and I feel like we are in charge of the household. That seems so basic, but for a while it felt like Charlie was The Decider! He still gets fussy and difficult, but we’re better able to manage those situations.  I no longer feel like a fraud as a parent… if we didn’t already have Olive, I think it’s right about now that I’d say I feel prepared for a second child!

Of course, as soon as we feel like we’re on top of things, something happens to remind us that we still have a ways to go.  Charlie had an epic meltdown this past weekend that gave us a good reminder that we need to be more mindful of avoiding the triggers and stressors that cause tantrums.

TRIGGERS

The first step is to be careful with things that trigger tantrums. Every child is different, but here are the triggers that we’ve noticed for Charlie:

1) Traveling

Anything involving travel has triggered a Charlie tantrum, probably because he doesn’t ride cars or subways often, and usually walks everywhere we go. The only exception is buses and boats!  Mrs. Bee pointed out that on buses and boats, Charlie doesn’t have to be strapped down and forced to hold still… that’s probably a big factor, as they say that tantrums can be triggered when kids feel like they have no control over a situation.

2) Rushing

If traveling is a trigger, rushing when we travel makes it 10x worse! I think it’s because it’s harder for us to be flexible with Charlie when we don’t have time to be accommodating.  We’ve learned to add a bunch of extra time, especially when Charlie is being fussy (more on that below).

3) Playdates

Playing with other kids often involves not getting what you want… which can sometimes be a tantrum trigger. This one isn’t so bad for Charlie, but we’ve noticed that he’s much less likely to throw a tantrum at someone else’s house (since they aren’t *his* toys, he doesn’t get as upset if someone takes them away). Playdates at our house are a much bigger trigger.

4) Shopping

I could never figure out why Charlie threw tantrums at the grocery store. Then one day, I read that kids throw tantrums when you don’t pay attention to them. That explained a lot! I used to rush through the store with Charlie, grabbing things as fast as I could and generally ignoring him!  Over time, we realized that rushing through the store was the wrong approach. Now when we bring Charlie to the store, we involve him in the shopping. We’ll ask him to hold things we pull off the shelves, ask him what colors things are, and generally keep him engaged. That plus Mrs. Hide & Seek’s Conditional No have been revolutionary for us!

5) Taking stuff away from the kids

As we’re heading out the door, Charlie loves to grab things near the door (my cane from when I broke my toe, Bee’s umbrella, his mini-stroller). He then insists on bringing them with him; when we take them away, he will sometimes throw a fit.  Believe it or not, it’s not until writing this post that I realized: if we take those things away from the front door, he can’t grab them and won’t throw a tantrum when we take them away!

STRESSORS

Ok those are the five triggers… but the funny thing is, they don’t always trigger a tantrum. Usually it takes a trigger PLUS some extra stress to cause a meltdown. Here are the two big stressors for charlie:

1. Hunger

Charlie’s recent tantrum was during a trip to the zoo last Sunday (TRIGGER #1: TRAVELING!). We got the kids all dressed up for the trip; then Bee had to strap on Olive into a carrier, and I prepped Charlie to go into his stroller. We had to get to the zoo by 11:30 to catch the sea lion show! This required some lead time, since we were taking the kids on the subway. We were pressed for time though, so we were in a rush (TRIGGER #2: RUSHING!).

First though, Charlie wanted to bring his mini-stroller so he could push it around; I thought it would keep him busy and happy at the zoo, so I agreed and threw it in the bottom of his big stroller.  Then we were all out the door!

Well we hadn’t even made it down the block when Charlie got upset. He wanted to pull out his mini-stroller and walk with it, but I wanted to keep it stowed under the big stroller and save it for later. And then to make matters worse, I wanted him to sit into the big stroller instead of walking. Ordinarily I might be able to talk him into agreeing, but we were in a hurry! So I pulled Charlie’s hands off of the mini-stroller, then strapped him into his big-boy stroller. (TRIGGER #5: TAKING STUFF AWAY FROM KIDS!)

The resulting meltdown was truly epic. And to make matters worse, we ran into two friends of ours: first, a friend down the block, and shortly after Charlie’s best friend from the playground (whom we hadn’t seen in a while). Charlie was so upset by everything though that he barely paused in his sobbing to say hi to his friend. It was both sad for Charlie, and embarrassing for us. Parenting fail.

In retrospect, we figured out that we had been in such a hurry that we hadn’t prioritized Charlie getting a proper breakfast. He had eaten some food and we had figured we’d eat more along the way. But he was still hungry and so he was just waiting for the right trigger to meltdown.

We made sure he ate some food right away and his mood started to turn around. Here he is sullenly holding a store-bought croissant while waiting for the subway.

The big lesson for us was obvious in retrospect: when your LO is going out, make sure they are well-fed! This will help prevent a surprising number of tantrums from ever occurring!

2. Tired

When Charlie doesn’t sleep, he is much crabbier. However, unlike hunger, sleep is a lot harder for us to control. It’s not like we can force Charlie to sleep a few more hours if he was up all night because of a cough (*ahem, like last night*).

What we’ve learned is this: when Charlie is really tired, it’s especially important that we try and avoid the triggers listed above. Sometimes you just have to go to the grocery store with a tired and hungry kid. In those cases, we’ve had success if we take our time and pay a lot of attention to him. Ordinarily we just do our thing and hope he keeps up (viva la benign neglect!), but we’ve learned that’s just not realistic when Charlie’s experiencing stressors like being hungry or tired.

Well, that’s what has worked for us. We’d love to hear about what triggers (and stressors) cause tantrums for your little ones!