Back in June, there was an excellent blog post on the importance of talking to children about race.  Since then, I have wanted to delve into the subject even more, but it is difficult to confront in a thoughtful and constructive way.  But the other day, I read an article that spurred me to make the attempt.  The article talks about families who went to PACT’s Tahoe City, CA camp for transracially adopted children, and the racism that some of the teens faced on their last day of camp.  The article particularly resonated with me because the location of the camp is a place that the Jacks family considers home.  Mr. Jacks and I both met and married in that area, and have always seen it as a nurturing and safe environment. The story highlighted that there is racism everywhere, even in our idyllic mountain home.

Racism is the original sin of American society.  The mental gymnastics it required to be able to state “all men are created equal” and then enslave an entire race has made an indelible imprint on our present and future.  While things have markedly improved over time, we’re not living in a post-racial society yet.  Therefore, we do our kids a disservice if we ignore the impact of race in our lives—especially if we’re from the dominant culture and not faced with racial issues on a day to day basis.

“NurtureShock” was mentioned in a recent Extra Extra post.  It confronts some commonly mistaken notions about current common wisdom in child rearing, including our discussion of race with children.  Tim Wise, noted anti-racism activist says, “…talking about racism and then actually doing something about it are the only ways to make the subject go away. It won’t disappear just because we choose not to mention it.”

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So as a well-meaning parent, what do you do?  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this as the mother of a multi-racial daughter. I take a lot of my cues from the trans-racial adoption literature, and am trying to take a developmental approach as championed by The Leadership Conference.  This is an ongoing dialog that may help our children not only learn about race, but also draw the connection between the issue of race and other larger social issues as they pertain to their own lives.

First, when do we start?  In our family, race has been a part of the discussion since before we even brought Jack Jack home.  When Little Jacks’ was 18 months old, she already noticed a skin color distinction for her best friend who is bi-racial (African-American and white) and started pointing out other kids with similar coloring by saying, “Like {buddy’s name}?”  So we knew at that point she was ready for some sort of discussion.  At such an early stage, we just tried to provide simple answers that were direct and without emotional content.  Answers like, “Yes, so and so’s skin color is similar to buddy’s skin color.” and “Your little sister is going to have skin the color of your buddy.”

School Age:  I remember very vividly in my first year of medical school that I attended a required “Cultural Competency” class.  Aside from the fact that it was poorly marketed and poorly attended, it was one of the most impactful classes I’ve ever participated in.  One moving memory was that of a Latino doctor (who was married to an African American doctor) telling the story of how he had to tell his beautiful little daughter that she might experience racism right before her entry into kindergarten.  He described it as such a necessary loss of innocence, but one that just broke his heart as he looked into his innocent daughter’s eyes.

At school age, children begin to assign value judgments to people and things.  They are very concerned with right and wrong as well as ranking and ordering.  As a result, children will frequently experience moments of being excluded or judged for their differences.  When these things happen, they can be used as teachable moments where we can talk about difference based on race.  Just having the conversation reaffirms to kids that it’s not taboo to discuss race and shows the parent’s openness to exploring the topic.

Recent research has showed that it’s better to talk about differences and how those differences can still be as valid and good as our similarities.  In fact, colorblind statements that emphasize sameness, rather than difference have been shown in studies to hinder the detection of racism.  Further, asking questions to evaluate your child’s understanding can be very enlightening and a springboard to deeper discussion.  As kids mature, it can be useful to bring in a social-historical perspective by adding some relevant historical reading materials.

Finally, if you get stumped by something, as surely will happen with such a difficult topic, it’s totally ok to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll try to find out and we can talk about it more,” or, “Let me think about that for a little while and get back to you.”

If you are able to initiate this dialog early and keep it open through grade school, you’ll be doing a great job of raising a race aware, culturally humble child.  I know this only scratches the surface of an extremely difficult topic, but it is my belief that it is better to dive in than be silent and that we’ll learn as we go.  There are some great references at the “Talking to our children about racism and diversity” website.


Gratuitous shot of a rapidly maturing Jack Jack!

Hellobee Series: Mrs. Jacks part 10 of 12

1. Attachment Parenting: One strategy by Mrs. Jacks
2. School is now in session! by Mrs. Jacks
3. Babywearing 101: Inward or outward facing? by Mrs. Jacks
4. My baby's head is flat! What's the deal with plagiocephaly? by Mrs. Jacks
5. Responsible media viewing by Mrs. Jacks
6. What to do when your baby goes on bottle strike by Mrs. Jacks
7. Birth plans: the other side of the story by Mrs. Jacks
8. Beyond colic: milk/soy protein intolerance by Mrs. Jacks
9. Cracking the code on toddler tantrums by Mrs. Jacks
10. Talking with children about race by Mrs. Jacks
11. Toddler eating habits cause parental grey hair by Mrs. Jacks
12. A warm winter treat by Mrs. Jacks